Squirrels, Eels, Algae and Ardi: A Clarification

The "First human ancestor", which the ABC reports looked "like a squirrel" is of course not to be mixed up with the "Human Family's Earliest ancestor", namely Ardipithecus ramidus or “Ardi”, which Smithsonian.com tells us is a "... a female who lived 4.4 million years ago”. Not that this is to be confused with the Telegraph’s 'earliest human ancestor', a “prehistoric eel-like creature discovered in a Canadian shale bed has been identified as the earliest known ancestor of man", or indeed the ABC's "Oldest Human ancestor", an "elusive, single-cell creature evolved about a billion years ago and did not fit in any of the known categories of living organisms - it was not an animal, plant, parasite, fungus or alga, they say."

I hope this clarifies who our first, oldest and earliest ancestors really were.

Birds are Fish

Birds really are dinosaurs, and a sparrow or a blackbird is every bit as much a dinosaur as Tyrannosaurus or Stegosaurus (Dr. Dave Hone, Guaridian online 6 September, 2012)

birds r relly fish cause i askd my cous and he sed so. fish are animals with 4 legs, scales & a hed. everifin wif 4 legs, scales & a hed is a fish, like cats, sparros and Barry. dinasaurs r fish wif fevhvers so a bird iz relly a fish-dinasaur coz dinasaurs r like small fish in a klassafikayin like vis:

• animals (birds & shit)
• fish (animals wif scales)
• dinasaurs (fish wif fevhers)
• birds (dunno)

vat klassafikayin tellz u vat birds r fish wif fevhers.

uno other animals r spinless like worms & bugs & shit. so r plankton & trees i guess so va klassafikayin of bugs r:

• animals (uva stuff)
• spinless (like trees)
• worms (veges wif eyes)
• bugs (worms wif legs)

vis klassafikayin tells ya vat bugs r wormies wif legs.

sum idiots fink vis is rong, but all my mates rekon its right. i ave a lot of mates & in a democracy the majority rules: bugs r worms & birds r fish!

Tweeted Histories I #Homology

@Goethe1824 I can relate a worm and a man via a third thing! I'll write a poem about it!
@sexy_Blumnbch What?
@henrich.B if you hang a human skeleton next to that of bird, you can compare their structures #Bronn1858

@Darwinathome's birdy

@sexy_Blumnbch Eww!
@MonsterMoa nah! what you want is a bauplan. #Owen1849
@Swiss_Pride What evidence have you got? You need space, time as well as form! #Agassiz1859
@Embryo.boy I think he means comparing embryos and how they develop #Gegenbaur1859
@Swiss_Pride no I don't!
@Darwinathome I found a birdy!
@MonsterMoa just compare the forearms of bats, humans and whales. See? Analogy!
@RayL Don’t just compare: find the origin of things. Homology? Bah! Homogeny!
@asagray I like @Darwinathome's birdy. Can u send photo?
@Stammbaum Origins, we need origins! My own Stammbaum gives origins; now all is homogeny
@Darwinathome can someone tell @Stammbaum to leave me alone?
@RayL Not all is homogeny, some comparisons are not true: homoplasy!
@Stammbaum Who cares. I have lots of stammbaume, one for every creature. All with homogeny, homoplasy and homology
@naefnotnaf @Stammbaum got it wrong. You can't mix phylogeny and systematics #Naef1919
@naefnotnaf homology is a systematic relationship separate from phylogeny
@angry_mayr Typologist!
@Zimmermann no it's not! homology is a transformational relationship.
@a.remane or a process #Remane1952
@willi Why not compromise? Use @naefnotnaf's systematics for taxa and @Zimmermann for their characters! #Hennig1950
@ggsimp what about ancestors? Homology is similarity between the bits of us and ancestors
@sokal_123 you mean overall similarity at a node? #SokalSneath63
@willi no, special similarity, that is synapomorphy #Hennig66
@angry_mayr Cladist!
@nelson_usa perhaps it's a non-transformational relationship? #NelsonPlat81
@beaty.boy Pattern Cladist!
@Colin82 non-transformational but based on similarity #Patterson82 
@ron.brady forget similarity, homology is simply an affinity. See @Goethe1824
@normlovesspiders homology is a three-item relationship regardless what is based on
@hennig_superstar %$#%! Homology is synapomorphy?
@k.nixon homology = synapomorphy + symplesiomorphy #NixonCarp11

Adventures with my DNA Barcoder

"But humanity is bioilliterate. Yes, there is a high priest for the name and natural history of some species. That person, however, is almost never standing by your side. But with Google, can you get it? No, there is no hole in your computer or handheld into which to insert the biobit to link through Google. Who is going to give you that name in the dark, the rain, the backyard, or the rain forest? True bioliteracy is being able to link what humanity knows to the biodiversity in hand, eye, or mouth, and build on it. What is the cost to let all seven billion of us read wild biodiversity, now? The barcorder in the back pocket" (Janzen, 2010, Biotropica, 42:540-542).

Thursday, 25th
I am so excited! Today I bought my DNA Barcoder from the gift shop at my local natural history museum. It comes with a two page booklet that tells me I need 6 AAA batteries and something to barcode.

Friday, 26th
I went down to the university to show my new barcoder to my sister. She needs lots of fresh tissue to do her molecular work and always complains that her specimens are either too old or contaminated. "Not with this!" I told her. She looked at me and my barcoder and started laughing. Stuck-up cow.

Saturday, 27th
Today is my first barcoding day (it rained all week, so there was nothing to barcode). I barcoded my cat, which it turns out, is 'human'. Perhaps it's because humans and cats are closely related? Perhaps I need something more distantly related?

Sunday, 28th
I barcoded an ant that I found crawling behind the sofa. The barcoder tells me it's a fungus. I see no other ants. Later on I find a honey bee trapped in my kitchen window. It comes up as a 'geranium'. The barcoder really needs to be calibrated or something.

Wednesday, 1st
Finally, a hot and sunny day! I tried to entice a bird with bread crumbs. No luck.

Thursday, 2nd
Couldn't get close enough to the house sparrows in my park to barcode them. I barcoded various trees in the arboretum. Amazing! The barcoder gets it right every time. There was only one plant sign in the whole park that was wrong!

Sunday, 5th
What a day! Yesterday morning I found a whip snake sunning itself on my porch. I managed to barcode it before it bit me in self defense. Luckily the hospital knew which anti-venom to use because my trusty barcoder got it right again!

Tuesday, 7th
I’m going to be famous! I barcoded a cicada and found that it was 7 different species! I rushed down to the local natural history museum to tell them of the news. Perhaps they can name a news species after me? Apparently the museum barcodes species from all over world and no longer employs taxonomists (the ones who describe new species). A barcoding technician pointed out several local amateur entomological groups I could join. "That's where you find taxonomists now" he said. Perhaps I’ll try Google.

Darwin came from Essex (via Peru) says cat's DNA

From the Wollongong Herald

The DNA recovered from Charles Darwin's cat has proven that the 19th century naturalist was descended from South American Indians.

The aspirant Find-an-Ancestor Project uses the DNA from celebrity pets to map human origins. Tiddles, Charles Darwin's first tabby, is one of 30 exhumed ex-pets. "We'd never thought we'd find Tiddles, or any of the 10 cats Darwin owned during his life" says Prof. Trevor Bruce of the University of Ulladulla".

Research funded by the Geelong Anti-ageing Centre tested Tiddle's preserved DNA and discovered that Darwin's ancestors came from a small village in present-day Peru. From there they travelled directly to Essex, possibly via a land bridge made of ice, or by small raft, from France. "The evidence is astounding" says Prof. Bruce, "it is amazing how much information one can extrapolate from DNA".

Tests have led scientists to propose the 'Out of Anywhere hypothesis'. Prof. Bruce explains: "Look, it doesn't matter whose DNA you have, people just seem to originate anywhere. We had the late Liberace's budgie examined and found out that 'The Glitter Man' was descended from Eskimos".

Further research hopes to discover the centre of origin for all humans. Dr. Karen Hall hopes that this will herald a new hypothesis. "Palaeoanthropologists say that humans and apes originated in Africa. Show me one celebrity with a pet gorilla!"

You can participate in the Find-an-Ancestor Project by sending $120.00 for a 'detection kit'. The kit includes a swab and a shovel for extracting pet DNA.


Related Post: Charles Darwin's genetic history unlocked by DNA project

Paraphyly Watch 2009: Pewter Leprechaun Awards Ceremony

Albert Hall, London.

Thousands of people gather outside in the snow, lining up and waiting to get in to what is tipped to be a star-studded awards ceremony. Inside, we see seats slowly being filled, hear the humdrum of excited voices and the clink of champagne glasses. The air is electric with excitement.

[Announcer] Welcome to the most awaited event of the year! Thousands of people are lining up outside to see the winner of the 2009 Pewter Leprechaun. The Hall is sold out and rumors have it that hawkers are selling tickets for over £1000. The air is tense and the crowds excited by the news that this year nominations are a close tie. Walking up to the booth I saw several of the judges looking tired and worn from the week-long debate as to who will be this year’s winner. We also have several famous scientists in the crowd. There I see ... I think ... is it Aristotle? Possibly. Since the introduction of the Simpson-Darlington Time Machine many international and temporal guests are able for the first time to visit on a whim. I guess it could be Plato ... err ... not to sure. Yes, there is the guest of honor Aristotle, carrying the ceremonial Great Chain of Being ladder - the Scala Naturae itself. He will of course be chairing the session from the right of the stage.

This year’s nominees are:

Martin D. Brazeau on ‘The braincase and jaws of a Devonian ‘acanthodian’ and modern gnathostome origins’ published in Nature (2009, 457:305-308)

Dennis P. Gordon on ‘Towards a management hierarchy (classification) for the Catalogue of Life’ a Draft Discussion Document published in Species 2000 & ITIS Catalogue of Life Annual Checklist (2009, on CD-ROM)

Donald R. Prothero on the ‘Evolutionary Transitions in the Fossil Record of Terrestrial Hoofed Mammals’ published in Evolution, Education and Outreach (2009, 2:289-302)

Todd F. Stuessy and Christiane Konig on the ‘Classification should not be constrained solely by branching topology in a cladistic context’ published in Taxon (2009, 58:347-348)

János Podani on the ‘Taxonomy versus evolution’ by also published in Taxon (2009, 58:1049-1053)

The audience is seated and the lights dim

[Announcer] I see that the lights are dimming and...

Applause

[Announcer] ... rapturous applause for the man himself - the father of paraphyly and host for tonight - Ernst Haeckel! He is walking onto stage, completely out-fitted in tweeds and ... is that a duck hanging from his belt....?

Applause ends

[Ernst Haeckel] Danke Schoen! Meine Damen und Herren! Tonight ve vill avard zi Pewter Leprechaun for 2009 to zi most admirable abuse and misuse of paraphyly. It iz my pleasu ...

Applause. Haeckel gets annoyed

[Ernst Haeckel] Aufhalten! Ve applaud at zi end! AT ZI END!

Applause ends abruptly

[Ernst Haeckel] Zat ist better. Ver vos I. Ach ja ... my pleasure to announce the vinner. Bevor I do, may vi present and bless die Pewter Leprechaun?

Haeckel looks around slightly confused. The main doors open and a procession starts at the back of the Hall

[Announcer] And we see the procession of the Pewter Leprechaun held aloft by George Gaylord Simpson. Following behind him is the Holy Order of the Lineage, Ernst Mayr, P.J. Darlington, Peter Ashlock all holding candles ... and ... there is some commotion at the back ... some shouting ... oh dear ... is that Adolf Naef? My word! Naef is attacking Simpson - he must just have read Principles of animal taxonomy during his brief visit here. He is not happy ... some more shouting ... OH! Simpson has punched Naef! The American has swiped the Swiss in a spectacular left-hook! Naef has recovered and is grabbing the Pewter Leprechaun.. has he got it? He HAS GOT IT! Mayr tackles Naef, Naef passes it on to ... Zangerl! My God, see that man run! Dodges Remane and Zimmermann ... who are discussing functional homology and ... knocks over Hennig, who was admiring Remane ... a crash-tackle by Ashlock and Zangerl looses the Leprechaun! They have lost the Leprechaun! .. It’s ... Ashlock ... picks up the leprechaun and passes it onto .... Darlington .... pushes over Hennig who just got up again ... passes it onto Mayr, back to Darlington who ... misses the catch! He has missed the catch! There is a scramble for the Leprechaun and Haeckel, yes Haeckel, joins in and ... punches out Hennig who just got up again ... and runs and leaps onto stage. What a performance from the German!

This has been a most remarkable entry for the Holy Order of the Lineage! The audience is wild with excitement. Aristotle stands up to bless the Leprechaun .. and ... it’s blessed! The Leprechaun has been blessed by the Great chain of being ladder! Haeckel struts back to the podium and puts his hand in his top pocket ... yes ... it’s a golden envelope!

[Ernst Haeckel] Meine Damen und Herren! Zi vinner of zi 2009 Pewter Leprechaun is ...

Haeckel slowly opens the envelope and pulls out a card

[Ernst Haeckel] Mein Gott!

Haeckel appears startled and looks to Aristotle holding out the card. Aristotle strains to see what is written on it. The audience titters

[Ernst Haeckel to Aristotle] Iz dis ein f*cking joke?

Aristotle shrugs. Haeckel composes himself

[Ernst Haeckel] Well ... zi judges ... have decided that the award should go to zi most prolific publisher of zi use and abuse of paraphyly. The vinner iz ... Taxon, zi journal of the International Association for Plant Taxonomy!

Audience applauds insanely

[Announcer] This is a surprise! The Pewter Leprechaun has never been awarded to a journal, in fact, it has never been awarded to anyone. I hope the nominees aren’t too disappointed. But aren’t the audience just loving it! Ernest Haeckel bows and leaves the stage. Aristotle leads the procession of the Holy Order out the Hall as the audience slowly rises in respect. Simpson and Darlington looking a bit bruised but enjoying the moment. Do I see a smile from Mayr? Err ... no, but I am sure he is loving every minute of it!

So ends the Pewter Leprechaun Awards Ceremony for 2009. We hope that 2010 brings forth a startling array of nominations. All entries can be submitted to the Systematics & Biogeography Blog via next year’s 2010 Paraphyly Watch post.

Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Long Distance Dispersal Thwarted

"An Australian man has saved a kangaroo from drowning in shark-infested waters by using his surfboard to rescue the exhausted animal." From the Telegraph

From the Wollongong Herald

In what has been described as the biodiversity bombshell, Australian fauna are dispersing from Down-under. "We have up to 600 volunteers patrolling beaches for any fleeing kangaroos, parrots or wombats" says Eric Hedgers of Dispersal Watch. "Last month we had two successful escapees, a goanna [large lizard] and an echidna". Biologists closely monitoring the exodus believe there is an overwhelming preference for New Zealand. Mr. Hedgers seems amazed at all the media attention. "I mean it's so close, why wouldn't you disperse? It seems unusual that a small freshwater Alpine fish wouldn't cross 1000kms of deep sea and migrate up a mountain. We’re surprised this hasn't happen earlier".

However Prof. Bush from the Wellington University of Technology believes the Aussie invasion is only temporary. "They've got their minds set on South America, possibly Chile or the Amazon. A small lizard for instance could easily raft across the Pacific on the back of an otter for over six months - except Australia doesn’t have any otters". Could this mean the end for Australia's biodiversity?

Australian ornithologist, Dr. Betty Simmons has her doubts. "We'll just get all the African species". Navy officials have confirmed the sightings of three elephants and a hippo 300 kilometers off the South Australian Coast. "On the positive side this could potentially save our economy. Tourists can save time and money visiting Uluru and going on safari at the same time".

An outback filled with wildebeest, lions and giraffes have conservationists like Mr. Hedgers worried. "Can you imagine Australia without its iconic fauna?" There is however some hope. "The echidna came back after a week. I think it didn’t like the ants".

Phylogeology – A New Revolution in Phylogenetics

From the Wollongong Herald

Evolutionary biologists were stunned this week by the news of Geological Phylogenetics. "Genetics is dead" says geologist Prof. Trevor Bruce of the University of Ulladulla, Australia. For 20 years molecular DNA has changed the way biologists do phylogenetics. Geological Phylogenetics, or Phylogeology, proposes to dispense with biological data all together. Prof. Bruce explains, "Molecular systematics has removed any notion of morphology, anatomy and taxonomy. We intend to get rid of molecules, making phylogenetics essentially free of any biological data". The benefits of phylogeology are that only atoms will be analyzed. "All you need is a very large industrial-strength food processor and a mass spectrometer". Prof Bruce's team has successfully pureed an array of organisms including two pot plants, a goldfish and Dr. Hall's cat. "She wasn't too happy about it, so we made her first author" says Prof. Bruce. "So far we have analyzed percentages of 30 common elements including carbon, calcium iron and copper". And success! Already Prof. Bruce's team has the data for most common household pets and their relationships. "It's simple" explains Dr. Hall, "a dog and a cat will have a similar atomic make-up, just like two similar rocks. As genetics has brought its methods and theory into phylogenetics, we bring geological techniques. Pureeing and 'mass-specing' critters are one of them".

But phylogeology has its critics. Molecular systematists have dismissed Dr Hall's contribution. "DNA and molecular data is the basic unit of heredity. Nothing can replace it" say Drs Goodray and Frat. "Rubbish!" retorts Prof. Bruce, "molecular data is fraught with paralogy, xenology and dodgy alignment. They may be dealing with a 'basic unit of heredity', but we are dealing with the basic unit of all matter". Already new applications have been proposed. "Forget DNA Barcoding, now we have 'Tricording' – a way to measure all matter within an organism" says Dr. Hall. The proposal has lead large funding bodies to drop proposals for DNA research. The NSF, NERC and other national grants are excited by phylogeology. "Finally we can get rid of that expensive out-of-date DNA mumbo-jumbo. Now we can categorize phylogenetics as organic chemistry" says Dr. Komby of the Research Funding Board. "Imagine how much money we'll save, not sequencing data, getting rid of the Tree of Life (AToL) and all other biological systematic projects. This heralds a new age in evolution".

'Darwin Year', marked by the 200th anniversary of the father of evolution, represents a new era of development - from the biological toward the physical sciences. "Biology is simply stamp-collecting" remarks Prof. Bruce, "we're better off working out how the origin of the cosmos has shaped life on Earth". Even creationists have responded to Prof. Bruce's call. "This is the end of evolution" states Mark McCall, Director of the DIY Creationist Center, Kansas, "This new development disproves life altogether". Phylogeology has already made an impact on financiers who understand its cost-effective nature. Investors, like Arnold Grady, are beaming, "Considering that the technology behind food processors is rapidly evolving, we could puree, say a dog, in five seconds and have it mass-speced in ten. I'd buy into that".

Biology may be on its last legs, but what of the bird-watcher or fish-fancier? We ask amateur fish breeder Allan Cement, "They are fish, not atoms! Can't scientists just study them?"

Malte C. Ebach

An Interview with Mr. Darwin

On Friday afternoon Dave and Malte step into the Hoop and Toy for their regular ‘end-of-the-week’ pint (or three).

At the bar they are approached by a dark and mysterious man with a cockney accent and an unlit cigarette hanging precariously from his lips. “’Ere, interest’d in a time machine?” David chokes on his beer. “‘Ow much den?” (David is also a cockney, so it’s going to be a bit complicated). Anyway, they buy it for a fiver (5 British Pounds Sterling).

It takes six pints and a Japanese translator (an unwitting tourist) to work out how the thing turns on. Within two hours and a spectacular light display, too complex to describe here, Malte and Dave make it to 19th century England. Due to the Earth’s orbit, and other dreary time-space continuum explanations privy only to Doctor Who fans, they end up in the village of Downe in Kent, 1862.

“Sh*t, where are we?”
“Dunno. Fancy a pint?”

After several hours in the George and Dragon Inn – David and Malte discover that they are only 20 minutes away by horse-and-cart from Down House, home of Charles Darwin.

“Hang on. What if we interviewed Chuck for our blog, eh?” The pints were taking their toll.
“That’ll show them who's wrong!”

An Interview with Mr. Darwin

[Loud banging on door - followed by intermittent singing and shushing. A distinguished, but slight nervous looking, gentleman opens the door a crack. A brass chain can be seen securing it to the rest of Down House]

“Chucky!”
“I do not wish to purchase excessive merriment from two louts! Please be off with you!
“Hey, Chuck … sorry Mr. Darwin. We are schistema … cystmena … nat … naturists …?”
“I am ill. Please go away!”
“… Naturalists!”
“I am very sick. Please let leave me in peace!”
“… from the futu… er … Australia …”
“I’m not talking to you. I am too ill. Please remove your foot from my door!”
“Look, in the future people are all fighting over your ideas and your work. Evolution has become an explanation for almost everything and you seem to be considered the originator of all modern ideas in biological classification, as well as, plant and animal geography!”

[Darwin paused for a moment and seemed to relax].

“But why? Ideas are developed through time. Evolution is an idea to which I had been introduced. Most of it made no sense. Some of it was simply nonsensical. I make no excuse for my ideas, but surely a good rational explanation makes for a better understanding of the processes at work?”
“… er… What?”
“Where do you think I got my ideas from? I didn’t just invent them there and then! They evolved from other ideas.”

[Dave and Malte think this is a pun and giggle]

But people in the future think 1859 and your Origin was a turning point for biology!”
“Please make no such assumption! I, Monsieur Lamarck and probably others, have provided ways with which to explain the biological world. It is not the answer but simply an explanation that I am convinced is good and rational …”
“But ..”
“I am ill. Goodbye to you sir!”

[David and Malte look at each other].

“He called me sir!”
“Want to interview Agassiz?”